The Flux, Or, Kevin Kington, The Nightster

[♫ TheDarKNinja ♫]

Kevin slide behind the alley wall and placed his back on the cold surface. He stuck his head out just enough to see out from his corner. There he was, the cruel man that killed his parents. He had spent years in training for this exact moment. Kevin has waited all his life for this moment, ever since his parent's cruel murder. He pulled his head back against the wall and pulled out the dagger he found next to his parents. The handle was blood-red and the blade pitch black, the exact look of a dagger belonging to an assassin, just like the man in front of him.

He flipped it in his hand once so he held it in a fist grip, knife pointed towards himself. He pulled his head out once again, pulled it back, took a deep breathe and rushed towards the man making no more noise than him breathing silently. He had learned to be completely silent, no matter what. It's taken him 9 years to learn it, but he now has it almost to perfection. Not ten seconds later he gets close enough to take him down.

At this point Kevin was close enough for his breathe to be heard, and felt. Immediately the man turned around. "What the-?!!?" Now Kevin, seeing the perfect opportunity twists the hand with the knife in it and shoves it forward into the man's chest. Kevin whispers silently in his ear, "Bet you didn't think I was gonna come back for you, did'ja?" Kevin grunts as he pulls the knife out and watches the man fall backwards, and Kevin stood there, smiling, until he got a better look at the man's face. The smile quickly left his face and turned into a look of horror. All he could do was stand there, bloody knife in hand, a look of horror on his face, looking at this innocent man's face. His life was ruined.




Just to let you guys know, this is just one small part of it, and right now it doesn't really make sense since you don't know the whole story. And yes I know my tenses or wacky I'm workin on it...

[Lugubrious]

Mmmm I think it is good. Do you want the reader to like the protagonist or not? This makes me definitely not like him... Perhaps if I had read the earlier parts I would have grown attatched to him but after that I'm not a fan. And maybe sometimes instead of saying 'Kevin' you could say things like 'the young assasin' or 'the boy with tattered clothes' or something like that. This varies the text and makes it more interesting to read, as well as giving the reader more insight as to how the scene looks.

[♫ TheDarKNinja ♫]

OK thanks for the suggestions Lugu. Yeah, it's a pretty confusing and complicated storyline, but if I explained the whole thing it makes a lot more sense. Right now he was trying to get revenge on his parents assassin who put him in so much pain, but was tricked by "The Flux" (The most wanted assassin in the world, getting his name from 'Flowing through' the darkness.) and overcome and corrupted by revenge, let himself fall for it to kill the innocent rich man. After this happening he goes completely against killing unless absolutely necessary.

[starlingshour]

ooooo sounds good, keep us updated Javvy! By the way Lugu's right, it does make me hate this Kevin dude....

[eclipse]

Ahh, you guys don't see any of the darker romance to characters. The sickening feeling of an ever-present urge for revenge, then the soft sigh of relief when you release your anger, then the blood chilling horror as you see the mistake you just made. So many emotions... High and low and cold and so, so very sad.

Jo, I really like the potential of this piece. However, the style is a touch choppy. For instance, the transition between the action of the man dying and then the transformation that the assassin experiences is virtually non existent. It kind of goes from hardened killer pleased with his work to a man with rethought philosophies a bit to swiftly.

To me, the main points that should have been conveyed in this paragraph were also kind of hard to sort out. I only got them after I reread a few times. For instance, the first paragraph does tell that he is looking for revenge for his parents death, but it was vaguely put. It seemed to me to be just stuck in the middle of an action and a description of his weapon, two things I think should have been in different areas.

Hhrm. And On a minor note, 'Kevin has waited all his life...' and 'ever since his parent's... murder' are clashing statements. Jut thought I'd add that in here.

I also his methods for murder are a touch off. I could see him To be true, I am no expert, but depending on the time period and setting the method to killing him would be a little different. Again, I would have to know the setting before I could try and help you further, but for the level of ability you give your character in 'spent years in training' and '9 years to learn it' he sounds pretty sophisticated. So the major flaws in this would be this:

- An assassin (or somebody such trained) probably wouldn't be doing it quite as obviously as he did. The point of an assassin is subtlety. Suppose he pulled out his dagger and somebody had seen him? A more likely turn of events might have been him moving swiftly and silently to draw it and stab him quickly in the last moment.

- Kevin also held his blade wrong. No offense meant at all, luff, but you are insane to run holding an knife pointed towards yourself, in your fist. If you trip and fall doing that, you are dead.

- Finally, the way he stabbed him. When he turned around, he wouldn't have had time to turn fully. It seems more plausible that Kevin either slit his throat or stabbed his back.

- Oh, and on a side note, you should read up on assassination techniques. Reading up and researching can make or break a book. And it's fun.

Hummm... I hope that critique wasn't too dense for you. If it was, you can stab me with a fork on Saturday when we go to the barn.

Also, I am getting Mizz. Hinson to read over it and critique too for you, because she is a kick-arse writer.

... and I would love to see you publish the full version when it's complete <3

[♫ TheDarKNinja ♫]

OK Thanks for the pointers Clipse =) and the point of him doing everything wrong is he isn't an actually assassin, this is his first attempt, he's always been a thief, giving him the stealth, but not the techniques or skills of an assassin. But yeah your right about holding the knife wrong, wasn't thinkin right there xD yeah I messed up the tenses ect so yeah I agree I probably should have done much better of it, but this is a rough part of the book. Yes I agree it was pretty fast and probably should have, described more about his emotions ect and made the happy success to horrified expression much longer....But mainly why he was horrified is he killed a innocent man instead of his parent's killer.

Thanks all so far for the critques, They are going to help tons! =)

[[({Listen})]]

Wow, Javvy. Great job! ^.^ You're making me want to post my manuscript (part of it anyway lol). I fully agree with what everybody's said so far, and I'm to tired to think of anything right now lol. But overall just a great job... I'm going to repeat what Eclipse said about research. Oh and I do like how it's all... first time-y like you said. I like your writing style.